Obligatory Super Bowl Rant – Die in a Cock Fight, New Orleans

Congratu-fucking-lations New Orleans, you got a Super Bowl. Now shut the fuck up and disappear forever.

John Randle is a Worthy Hall of Fame vote, but …

“Hello Vikings fans, it’s your most favorite Vikings receiver ever with you toda… No, it’s Cris Carter, not Randy Moss. Why would Moss be here? He’s still skilled enough to be playing football, unlike me. Anyway, you got me off track, but I’m here today to talk to you about a great travesty that has recently hit our wonderful sporting community, and that of course is one of the greatest receivers of all time being over looked in this year’s Hall of Fame voting for a defensive player. Not to be a smug asshole or anything here fans, but in the words of my friend Keyshawn Johnson, COME ON MAN!! How does that happen??

PJD’s Offseason Friday Freak Fest – Stay the Hell Away, Madden!

PJD’s Offseason Friday Freak Fest will be a new feature we will try to run conveniently on Fridays that will cover a variety of topics that have come up for the Vikings over the week. Little known fact? I’m just rehashing Vikings Gab stories but using more dick jokes! Consider it your Minnesota Vikings potpourri news basket in a way that is totally not effeminate, or think of it as the game day previews from before, just minus the games. Also, beware the asinine off topic rants that may spring up too that will, you know, match the offseason. Any tips, tricks, or totally bitchin’ things to talk about during this nightmarish offseason, send them to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com or send them Tweets! The kids love it.

Jared Allen on Madden ’11? Reports hit this week alerting quasi-nerds and wannabe armchair coaches that there are three finalists for this years Madden 2011 video game cover. As you can tell from the grainy looking photo above, and possibly from descriptions if anyone dare follow the links, the finalists include midget quarterback from the Saints Drew Brees, silent assassin wide receiver Reggie Wayne, and certifiably crazy and probably dangerous calf roper, Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen. There are several things to discuss on this topic. First, you stay the hell away from my Jared Allen, Madden Curse. The last time a Viking was on your cover Daunte Culpepper hurt his back and ruined my fucking season. You also killed the careers of Shaun Alexander, Marshall Faulk, a prepubescent Vince Young, and I’m pretty sure you forced Michael Vick into dog fighting. In conclusion, if you think it’ll be fun to pick Jared Allen as a cover boy, because no defensive linemen has ever been on the cover, I’ll make sure I rape your skull. So let’s just avoid that all and pick Drew Brees so that his midget face will be smashed and dead by the time the Vikings play him in 2010. Second, Jared Allen’s selection only provides fuel to an already blazing and out of control fire that is burning my feelings up saying the Vikings should be in the Super Bowl anyway, since the other two athletes already are. Dicks.

Visanthe at the Movies – Ava-dong

Movie buff and Minnesota Vikings Visanthe Shiancoe recently attended a screening of the newest pop cultural phenomenon, Avatar, and we asked him to share his review with us…

“My, my, fellow friends and readers, what do we have here? Is that the offseason clock that has come up and brought me my favorite time of year? No, it’s not Super Bowl season, but movie viewing season, and for this resident movie buff it’s one of the best seasons of all! Some of you may ask, ‘Why is Visanthe Shiancoe and his magic dong reviewing movies for a website that talks too much about dongs?’ and that would be a very good question to ask, so let’s not do so. Instead, let’s remember that I brought you some very critical movie reviews last offseason and that if anything you should be aroused at the idea of me coming back and doing it again and again and again. All night long. And with the look of your ‘come-fuck-me’ eyes I can tell that you are, so let’s get right to it.

Once our season unfortunately ended I made it my head priority to get right back out into the theatres and see the biggest, most alluring and dominating film that movie goers have seen since an accidental locker room incident, Avatar! Now, I wouldn’t be a very good movie reviewer if I didn’t do some background work on the film to find out what it’s about. Before going in I understood it to be a story of emotion, passion, first time experiences, conflict, pressure, giving and taking and an appreciation for something larger, and everyone I had talked to absolutely was gushing about my naked body. Oh, and the film too. But what was my opinion of it?

I found it to be a huge god damn cock tease, that’s my opinion.

PJD’s Ambivalent Super Bowl Week Humping Linkstasy

A king among men.

We’re continuing a weekly feature where we fill space by bringing you the best and greatest links from around the interwebs in the last week. Some may have to do with Vikings football. Most probably won’t, though. And at the end, we’ll send you off with our song of the day. Hopefully, this will be a good tool to get you through this meaningless week before the Super Bowl, a game in which you have bittersweet feelings about. FUCKING SAINTS.

Any tips, links, laughs, videos, suggestions, Twitter feeds, random Tumblr feeds, Vikings related or otherwise, that you want to see here send to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments. Totally awesome links after the jump …

Favre Didn’t Run Because His Ego was Bruised

Photos have started to hit the web tonight of what are allegedly Brett Favre’s ankle and hamstring area as they appeared after the Vikings lost to the Saints in the shitastic NFC Championship game. Some people feel like these pictures offer enough evidence as to why Favre threw the pick at the end of the game instead of running a couple of measly yards or so. Well, we here at PJD are some bonafide dickheads, and we don’t accept that as an excuse. However, if we receive pictures of Brett Favre’s bruised titular or vaginal regions, then we may understand the hesitancy to run.

Right? Like he has a bruised vagina because I’m still upset at him? Ah, nevermind. Also, I hope these aren’t just photos of some dude taking half naked shots of himself and sending them to me. I’d feel worse then ever then.

Special thanks to reader Adam for the heads up.

It Totally Wouldn’t Have Happened Like That

Note: This is a Vikings related post originally submitted to The Gally Blog yesterday, but since I don’t have lots of time, as I’ve frequently explained, and since it’s got bad taste in it I figured I’d post it here as well. Doing the old Rick Reilly thing, ya know? Anyway, enjoy.

The past few weeks have been filled with alerts about what types of Super Bowl commercials are supposed to be airing during the big game next Sunday, especially the controversial ones. These notably include the ad that will preach to you about how much Tim Tebow loves to force women to keep a rape baby in their stomachs, and then there is this other one for some type of web site dating and matching service. While I think Tebow’s commercial is obnoxious in that I was finally looking forward to one sporting day without him pulling a Favre on me, I finally saw this dating site commercial, thanks to Warming Glow, and took immediate offense. Why? Because it totally wouldn’t happen like that.

Here are the problems, in no particular order:

Bryant McKinnie is an Idiot

Let me make one thing clear first here. I don’t think, nor do any of the other PJD readers, at this point in our lives anymore that athletes are anything other than normal people who get paid too much to run around and hurt each other for my sheer and utter enjoyment. No one in their right mind in this day and age is going to consider an athlete to be a role model (not like a parent should be) or someone that they aspire to be as far as values, ethics, and levels of respect go. Sure, there are some great people out there that also happen to play sports. Antoine Winfield is a nice guy, Madieu Williams does a lot of charity work, and Percy Harvin has shown great respect for his elders. These are all great qualities for people to have. I would like to think though that being a nice person is subsidiary to being an athlete, and while I realize that because these people are professional athletes they are in the spotlight more so than a normal idiot and their accidents end up looking larger than most, I realize those accidents do happen because these people are just people. They may play for a sports team from my city but I fully don’t expect them have that purpose be the only thing in their life. If there are extracurricular activities, side businesses, and families to take care of, I don’t care. That’s your right as an American (I think) to have those interests.

But there’s a difference here between having outside interests that don’t affect your job and simply being a fucking moron. And Bryant McKinnie is the latter.

PJD’s Season Ending Recaps: Mushroom Stamps of (Dis)Approvals

What is this? A weekend without Vikings football? GOD DAMMIT. What are we supposed to do now? Well, I’ll tell you one thing, we can open that wound that has been festering disgustingly since Sunday again and take a look back on a season that gave you Super Bowl blue balls. Why would we do that? I don’t know. We like to talk about football here, don’t we? Good enough for me. Today, we start PJD’s season recap by tabulating the season’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval and Disapproval winners (including the pre and post season!) and find out who comes out on top … besides your mother, I mean. Essentially, who was the most impressive Vikings this season? Only one way to find out … by having me tell you in an arbitrary fashion! Hurray! Let’s get to this then …

 

As a refresher course for those of you that maybe joined this sexy party train late in the season, we here at Purple Jesus Diaries have handed out our most prestigious award every week after a game day – pre season, regular season, and post season, believe it or not – to the Vikings player that took our breath away on game day. This could have been because of an amazing offensive play, large stat production, unflappability in the face of pressure, hard nosed defensive football, quick feet, or a huge dong. Whatever the reason, each week there was some player that deserved special notoriety and by God, we were going to give it to them. As you can see from our poorly constructed highly advanced Excel Spreadsheet, several things stand out about this year’s award recipients. For more detailed notes and recap of this Mushroom Stamps, keep reading after the jump.

Droppin’ Knowledge with a Capital J – Season Ending Rumors & Rants

We’re lucky enough to have renown awesome person, slight Vikings fan (sarcasm!), and insightful bastard Capital J continue our poor man’s Abbot and Costello feature where we discuss Vikings issues. Check out his regular season wrap up here, his personal blog, Capital J’s Corner there, and his 2009 wrap up … RIGHT NOW! FUCK YEAH! As usual, I’m the Asian style italics and he’s the boring, yet smarter, normal print. You’ll figure it out.

1. Donovan McNabb rumors. I don’t think it happens. He’s a better fit with the Eagles and I don’t think that franchise really wants to start over with a very inexperienced QB in Kevin Kolb. McNabb still gives them their best chance to win and unless Minnesota throws a Jared Allen type offer in for him, which they won’t, I can’t see it happening. I still hope Favre returns for one more year, but I’m not counting on it. T-Jack still scares the hell out of me, although part of me wants to see what he can do with a full year behind number 4.

- I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to see some TarVar next year. Honestly, I’ve grown fond of his jump passes and inaccuracies. And hey, if we’re in this NFC Championship situation next year, you know who’s running for those five yards? That guy! Of course, TarVar would never get us to that situation again, so that’s a moot point. Think too; would he be the best free agent quarterback on the market? Fucked up.