Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Wrinkly Balls Bowl I!

Watch as the two oldest quarterbacks EVER square off: Come one, come all, but don’t come on me, as the two grayest quarterbacks in the NFL square off in what is bound to be a slow paced game full of missing dentures, broken walkers, and forgetting the plays being called! Al Michaels will fit right in! Haha. Old people are hilarious. But really, Kurt Warner is, what, 56 years old? I think when he was bagging groceries he was already 32. I’m pretty sure my math is correct there. And with reports coming out this week that Warner had split reps with Matt Leinart after sitting out last week with a concussion (pussy), I’d say the chances of us fans watching the geriatric match up is still pretty good. The Cards need this game, but they WILL NOT get it. When the Vikings roll into Arizona this Sunday night, you better believe that Warner is going to need to be wearing his depends on the field. The Vike’s pass rush is going slaughter the Cards O-Line, and Warner is going to be on his back more than a Tiger Woods mistress. And if Winfield gets back on the field finally? Forget it, Larry Fitgerald, Jr. I may have a man crush on your beautifully dreadlocked mane but Winny is going to shut you down worse than a herpes outbreak. Anyone remember last season when TarVar had his career day against this same defense? And that was when the Cards ended up in the Super Bowl! All in all, let’s say I like my chances when Favre, PJ, Harvin, and Squid take the field. Think of them as the huge purple dildo that is going to wedge its way into the Pink Taco and leave it lifeless when it’s done. Got that image in your head now? Me too. Sexy.

Thanks to some rube named SOME YOUNG GUY from Rube Chat for providing another game preview graphic!

QUICK HITS: PJD Mail Dump Reminder – Write in or He’ll Speed!

ZOMG! An athlete that receives accolades and has shitty blogs named after him was caught for speeding! NOOO! I feel so cheated! I also feel like I should be a responsible human being and care about this. 109 in a 55 zone is pretty damn fast, reckless, and dangerous to himself and others around him. What if he were to get in a wreck and ruin our Super Bowl chances? How fucking selfish. Although, he’d probably just recover three days later, anyway. The other part of me thinks that this is going to be made into a minor admonishing news story from the media, but really, when put into perspective with other items of interest this past week, it’s pretty innocuous, which is also why I’m not going to bother writing a funny dick joking post about it, because I don’t really care. Instead, watch that video up top and let’s all laugh at how short Percy Harvin is. Combine height? That’s classic. Also, I think I like the nickname “Squid” for Sid the Kid, so we’ll have to see where that takes us.

Anyway, remember to send in your questions, comments, funny stories, depressing stories, pictures, videos, Twitter feeds, used panties or whatever else to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, hit our Twitter feed, or leave a comment here. Mail dump time tomorrow, people! Get with it!

Brian Urlacher Thinks the Entire Bears Team is a Fur Burger

Sorry Mark Craig, I’m not 100% familiar with you, but it sure seems like you’re ok. At the very least, you’re not making me pay to read your space filling material on a Thursday morning, unlike some other people affiliated with your newspaper. I appreciate this greatly! I also like the light you shed on what’s going on in the Bears locker room at the moment in this here article. I haven’t followed this story very closely because the Bears are stupid and because, while not officially out of the playoff race, when any Chicago fan talks Bears football everyone else just rolls their eyes and does a wanking motion. So what could make Bears haters (are they called Baters? Hm …) even happier? Reading these juicy tidbits, which we’ll break down PMFJM style! That means “Poor Man’s Fire Joe Morgan” style, if you couldn’t guess.

Stories about team chemistry tend to crack me up.

Why? (…. I didn’t actually write that, Craig did. Heeeeeee’s talking to himself.)

Because when teams win, the chemistry always is good.

The Vikings are smiling, smacking behinds and still laughing at ESPN’s premature preseason report of a locker room “schism”

That’s actually just Jared Allen laughing, because he just passed on his “schism” to some unsuspected 19 year old sophmore at Saint Kate’s who thought he was wearing a condom. But I digress.

PJD’s Humping a Misstress Linkstasy

Picture not related, but also hilariously poignant.

We’re continuing a weekly feature where we fill space by bringing you the best and greatest links from around the interwebs in the last week. Some may have to do with Vikings football. Most probably won’t, though. And at the end, we’ll send you off with our song of the day. Hopefully, this will be a good tool to help you get through this terrible midweek slop fest so you can just go home and drink yourself to death.

Any tips, links, laughs, videos, suggestions, Twitter feeds, people to make fun of, Vikings related or otherwise, that you want to see here send to purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com or leave a message in the comments. Totally awesome links after the jump …

VIKTOR the VIKING Prepares for his Arizona Trip

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… …………….. GYArRHaHG! wHAt? WhERe thE>. .. FucKIng DamNIT … OKokOkk …

Shit, get a hold of yourself VIKTOR. OUCH! THIS HEADACHE IS FUCKING EPIC!

Ok. Ok. I think I have things under control again. Where am I? What week of football is this? WEEK THIRTEEN ALREADY??!! THAT’S GREAT, CAUSE THAT’S THE SAME AGE I LIKE MY RUFI DATES TO BE!

Interview with a Pepaw: “This Offense Scares Me!”

Former player and Minnesota Vikings head coach from 1961 to 1966, Norman Van Brocklin has a unique view on the team. When you’re, like, 97 years old or whatever and dead you tend to have seen a lot of things in your time. Often he’ll come by PJD to offer his insight and perspective in his own column aptly titled “Interview with a Pepaw”. Today, he discuss the explosive Vikings offense, their MVP caliber quarterback and his opinion on how the Vikings can win the Big Game. Is he dead? Maybe. Does that mean he can’t actually talk? Whatever. But here he is.

“Jesus flippin’ Christ, I wake up from my god damn grave and I see my beloved football team sittin’ at 10-1 and I think to myself ‘Holy Hanna, Norm, this team must have it all!’ A power run game! The wishbone! The option! The fumblerooski! At 10-1 I’ma reckonin’ that this team runs up and down the field on their opponents until they’re all blue in the face like a Southerner runnin’ from us northerners. But then I look at the telegram box scores that were delivered to me by a midnight rider and I see this outhouse mess? Someone threw the pig skin for almost 400 yards? In the air?! That is absurd and disgusting. That’s not football! That’s some damned ballerina bull crap! It’s unacceptable! Who in the bloomin’ hell is coachin’ this fruit cake team? Do you not know anything? You can’t just forward lateral the ball down the field all day long! The I-Backs have difficulty findin’ enough time to get up the field in their routes and catch the ball, damnit! YOU HAVE TO RUN! That’s how it’s always been done, and that’s how it should stay! Anything else is weird and different, and I don’t like it!

PJD’s Week Twelve Recap: Where Was All the Cutler Suck?

Don’t get me wrong, I still love crapping on Chicago regardless: I was just expecting more Cutler fuck ups. I mean, it still doesn’t get much better than shutting that pompous ass of a sports town up with an absolute dismantling in a late afternoon game to the tune of 36-10. Those late afternoon games are essentially the poor man’s prime time games, so I’ll take semi-prime time embarrassment any day of the week. And to do so in a throwback uniform, perhaps one of the greatest in the NFL, with a 40 year old quarterback who is an MVP contender going against one of the pussiest (just ask Brian Urlacher) whineyest, diabeteyest quarterbacks in recent memory? Yeah, it was a pretty good afternoon. I was all anticipating the T-Pups to get pitchfork raped in Denver last night too, and then they pulled out a win as well! Minnesota, bitch, that’s just how we roll. Oh, except for our beloved Purple Jesus fumbling/winking at us all, pretending he’s human again. And all those ticky tacky penalties. Oh, and the cock tease of thinking Antoine Winfield was going to be playing again, but then not having him play and then not even really needing him. And having to see Benalty Sapp starting. That was frustrating. But a lot of that was offset by Favre, WHO I STILL DISLIKE AS A PERSON, throwing for almost 400 yards, Cedric Griffin wanting the haters to hate some more after his interception, and Jared Allen spitting out blood on the side lines. The retardery of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman was pretty good too, despite their suckling from the Cutler teat. So really, yeah, a lot of fist shaking was offset by fist pumping, and when the dust settled, you found that we’ve still got a bad ass team.

Purple Jesus Diaries Masturbatory Game Preview: Out with the Turkeys, in with the Bears

Ok everyone, back to work! Enough of this lazy time spent stuffing your fat face with turkey and bread, and sometime turkey, gravy, bread, cranberry relish and sweet potatoes all at once. You’re fat enough already, muffin top. Let’s get back to doing something important like watching the Vikings roll up on the Chicago Bears Sunday afternoon primetime game and get one step closer to clinching this pussy division. I would have liked to say “Thanks!” to the Lions for helping us do so if they would have beat the Packers on Thanksgiving, but they decided to keep fighting for that number one draft pick and look like stuffed butterballs waddling around on their home field trying to tackle. You fuckheads. Now we have to listen to delusional Packer fans keep their hopes alive and think that they are going to make the playoffs and repeat 2004 all over again, except in their favor. FUCK YOU PACKERS IT WON’T HAPPEN. Someone just beat them and put them out of their misery. Anyway, back to the Bears. It’s almost December and the Vikings are playing their first game against their divisional opponent that many thought were headed to the Super Bowl preseason. Well, hilariously they won’t be anywhere near it, and much to my delight they are failing miserably as both a team and a city. Which, continuing the seasonal tradition, makes me very thankful.

Much thanks to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for another Vikings Game Preview graphic!

QUICK HITS: Half Assed Mail Dump Reminder

Holy Christ, am I full. I might have eaten an entire turkey and maaaayyyybe spent a full moon cycle in the bathroom checking Twitter and prepping myself for dessert. I tried something different this Thanksgiving. Most people try to starve themselves before the big meal of the day so that they are super hungry right before they eat, thinking that they’ll then eat a whole bunch of food to catch up on what they missed. Well, you’re a retard if you thought that, just ask any 15 year old girl suffering from image problems that spent their lunch break in the bathroom during junior high (or middle school, if you’re from some Podunk backwards town). You have to STUFF yourself like a week before the meal so that when you finally are able to eat you stomach has expanded like ice cream kids up there. Then you can double your normal amount of food on Thanksgiving Day and then just pick at leftovers until Monday. Best holiday ever? Best holiday ever.

Do you disagree? Write in and tell us why, or share what you did for Thanksgiving. Were there any special menu items? Any uncomfortable family conversations? Were you disgusted by the football games? Were you just too jacked up for the Bears game this Sunday to even think about shitty Lions games on Thursday? Tell us all about it, and we’ll post it in tomorrow’s Mail Dump in the game preview. Hit us at purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, check out Twitter feed, leave a comment here, finger Facebook the shit out of us or send me a letter with left over pie. Schmanks. And please do so. I mean, I offered that awesome picture above, so the least you can do is humor me with a question.

PJD’s Thanksgiving Mouth-Meat Party

Sweet baby Purple Savior, this is one of the best days out of the entire year, second to my birthday week (yes, I said week) of course. Thanksgiving is the greatest mash up of everything American that I can think of. Gluttonous food consumption. Lethargy while watching football in from of a television ALL DAY LONG. Significant booze drinking. Glorious poops. I really don’t know if it gets much better, and I bet that the Viking players would agree with me. I’m not going to sit here and write out a dialogue full of Greg Coleman tears of what we’re thankful for here at PJD. I only save my ball washing for one person, and his name is Paul Rudd. I will, however, make an argument of how a traditional Thanksgiving spread mimics the 2009 Vikings. Confused? Perhaps. Hungry? You bet! Disgusted that we would sink to such lows to post an item like this on a splendid holiday? Get fucked. Be happy you’re getting a chance to sneak away from your extended family that you hate for a few minutes to read our poorly made dick jokes! Anyway, onto the first ever (and probably last!) PJD’s Thanksgiving Mouth-Meat Party!

The Thanksgiving Turkey – Purple Jesus: Could Purple Jesus be anything else at the Thanksgiving table? The focus of the entire meal … nay, the entire day, is always placed solely on the magnificent bird. Just like how the entire team goes when PJ goes, the turkey will make or break the meal. And of course, it’s best when it’s dark meat. And PJ has some dark meat. That’s a dick joke, I’m pretty sure. This yeah, the Purple Jesus Turkey is inviting tasters to mix things up a bit though, perhaps tone down on the turkey and mix in a little more starch or vegetable. Don’t worry, he’ll still be there silently watching over you though. Mmmmm. Delicious bird and divine running backs makes for a fantastic holiday.