Actually, it’s a win-win-win: Because we never heard of any reports of anal bleaching, or Buckin’ Broncos, or The Walrus, or anything like that. If the fans and media don’t hear about any player antics off the field during the bye week then that counts for like half a win on the season, right? Good enough for me. One of the other big wins is the fact that every team in the NFC North got beat like a woman that didn’t clean the dishes, or, just to be politically correct, a man that came too early in the sack. YOU FUCKING NERD! And while we’ll touch on each game during this review, this is all good news for Viking fans as well, as the team essentially jumped every single team in the division by one game. Honestly? I don’t know how the Vikings haven’t mathematically locked up the division yet. I haven’t looked at playoff scenarios, meaning either division locking scenarios or potential playoff match ups, but I would conclude without any confidence that if we beat the Lions and then win the first Bears match up that the division will be LOCKED DOWN faster than I can jerk from limp to empty. But don’t bet on that, because we still have to deal with …
Wait, so what am I supposed to do now? Soo … there’s seriously no Vikings football on this weekend? Hooboy. We’re going to need some major time distractions here, aren’t we? Here’s the deal; if you’re a dumbass like me that doesn’t pay for extra football channels so you get stuck with whatever Fox and CBS plays, you’re in for a world of hurt. I’d guess that there is a really good chance that the Packers and Buccaneers game will be on Fox, so you’ll be subjected to douchebag Aaron Rodgers running around like a certified alto after he scores a touchdown on a terrible Tampa Bay team. At some point, that’s going to just be too much to watch, so if you’re lucky you may get to catch an AFC game between the Ravens and the Bengals, or maybe Texans and Colts. Really, it doesn’t matter though because outside of fantasy relevance you probably have zero rooting interest. So here’s an idea. Take your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/dog/secret lover/pedophile step dad out to a movie or something. I hear that “Men Who Stare At Goats” is a real gas! With the weather potentially being not freezing as well, maybe you can even go walk down by the river, or stroll through the free zoo at Como Park. Mmmmm! Lovely!
Ha, just kidding. There will still be some football on TV come Sunday, so you can bet you’re ass will be right in from of it. In the meantime, here are some other things to distract you through this long, tough, Bye Week.
Oh, hello internet stumbler. Did you just happen to come across this website Google searching “dump reminder”? I hear if you simply tie a string around your finger you’ll never forget! In other news for regular visitors, we wanted to simply remind you that just because there is no Viking game this weekend doesn’t mean there won’t be a weekly preview, which also doesn’t mean that there won’t be a weekly Mail Dump full of your questions and observations! Do you have your own plans for the Bye Week? Are you wondering why it’s going to be damn near 60 degrees in November in Minnesota? Curious as to which video games to play this weekend? Hate my soul with all of your black heart? Share this and whatever else you desire in our Mail Dump!
Simply email purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com, Tweet me or Twitter my dragonfruit, or leave a comment on here (along with $20.00) and we’ll address it tomorrow. Hurray! In the meantime, I have posted awesome internet pictures after the jump … (note: awesomeness may be subjective)
Reports surfaced yesterday of a poll conducted by Sports Illustrated where they asked current players who they thought the “dirtiest player” in the NFL was. Perhaps surprisingly, the Minnesota Vikings own Jared Allen appeared on the list as the 10th top vote getter amongst players who participated. How could that be?? Just look at that lovely sweater he is wearing! I thought this was a mistake until I saw that Steeler’s receiver, Hines Wald, was voted dirtiest player overall, receiving 11% of the vote. So, this must be pretty spot on.
But really, how dirty is Allen? And should he have received more or less votes? Read on to delve deeper into the filthy world of defensive end Jared Allen …
It was announced yesterday that Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre (I absolutely loathe having to write that, still) was named the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Week after he wheeled his Hoveround into Green Bay last weekend and threw for four touchdowns and 244 yards, compiling a quarterback rating of 128.6 – which we should remind you doesn’t actually mean anything – and broke several fat hearts in the process. Silver Fox’s most recent award got us thinking here at PJD what other awards could be handed out now that the Vikings have played half of their season. You can consider this a midseason awards show, done completely arbitrarily, meant to mean absolutely nothing. Except that many of these players have won my heart. BUT NOT THAT LAND BARON FAVRE STILL. DIE AFTER YOU WIN ME A SUPER BOWL YOU ATTENTION WHORE. On to the awards …
Brett Favre, aka, Silver Fox, aka, The Land Baron – Early Bird Award: It was looking to be stiff competition this year for what has previously been known as the “Pepawiest Award”, but with the arrival of The Land Baron it almost wasn’t a competition at all. Antoine Winfield was quietly hoping he would be resigned this offseason so he could compete for this award alongside Pat Williams, but once Favre walked through, or rather, rolled through the doors it was all over. Some players however do suspect foul play on Favre’s part concerning this award, as he purposely refused to color his bearded jowls in an effort to make his self look older. Winfield will simply have to wait his turn.
When the Vikings played Green Bay at Lambeau Field this past Sunday, the original plan was to have Vikings rookie receiver/kick returner Percy Harvin mic’d up for live audio. While he was outfitted with the wires, the FCC’s required five second delay was thankfully used when the audio from Percy was sent live to the editing room and the broadcast nixed their plan for Harvin. PJD, however, was lucky enough to obtain a copy of the receiver’s audio and transcribed several of the recordings for our readers …
“Alright Percy, this is kind of a big deal here. I, uh, wasn’t feeling too good all week long, no sir, and uh, didn’t know how I was going to feel coming out to play this game today, but here I am, ready to take my first offensive snap in, uh, the Packer’s Stadium, Mr. Lambeau. This is pretty exciting and everything, I just know that I have to do what the coaches have always,uh, told me and I should be ok. Just catch the ball from the quarterback, Percy and … OH SHIT MR. FAVE IS SNAPPING IT!”
Percy runs a pattern to the right and catches a three yard pass before being tackled by Atari Bigby.
“FUCKING YES THAT WAS AWESOME STAY THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU GREEN SUITED COCK FACE BIGBY I WILL EAT YOUR GOD DAMN SOUL IF YOU TRY TO TACKLE ME AGAIN I SWEAR TO PURPLE JESUS YOU ASSLESS SON OF A BITCH GIVE ME MY YARDS!”
Sweet merciful crap that was awesome: That … was pretty much one of the better things that I have ever done with my life. Watching the Packers get donkey punched in front of 95% of the nation thanks to their former lord and savior has brought me untold amounts of unadulterated bliss. All in a game where I didn’t really think the Vikings would win it either! Color me stupid! But the 38-26 final score tells something different. It tells the tale of a porous Green Bay offensive line. It hints at the grit of injured stars like Bernard Berrian rising to the challenge and performing in a critical division game. It jots down another note in the annals (lol) of Purple Jesus’ already hefty manuscript that details his dominance over mere mortals. It tells the story that you just can’t make up of every Wisconsin residents worst nightmare coming true, right before their very eyes, as every single dream they had for the 2009 season burns to ash. The Super Bowl seems like a glossed over dream. The playoffs are a distant wish. A division title is now laughable. A Wild Card birth, implausible. And perhaps worst of all Packer fans had to watch as their former daddy dick pranced around with a hot and sexy new purple bitch with a perfect pair of fake tits and made hot consensual love in their own bed. FOUR TIMES. Fuck me that was fantastic.
Thanks to Visanthe Shiancoe and his colorful Twitter feed, we can now all look at a picture of Vikings Coach Brad Childress dressed as a buxom flight attendant on the teams trip to Green Bay.
Let me be the first to say give that lady a new coaching contract! With tits like that it could inspire even the most unathletic white linebacker to Pro Bowl status! This coaching strategy is genius, but nothing new, as people need to simply pop in their old video of Major League and see what a sex vixen can do for an unmotivated club house. Next time, Bradlina? Show some more leg for the camera!
Ok, Packer Fans, let’s get this out of the way: I don’t like you and you don’t like low fat foods, so let’s just get through this preview, the game on Sunday, the review on Monday, and then call off any interaction until 2010 after you’re done watching the Vikings in the playoffs. On Sunday, approximately at 3:15 PM, Green Bay is going to have a verifiable shit show descend upon their hallowed grounds. Packer fans will be filled with the blood rage of a thousand ogres (see also: their wives) as the Vikings come to town looking to faux-moon and curb stomp their faces into their meat packing town. Silver Fox may tell you that this game is just one of 16 in the season. The Packer players may be keeping their mouths shut about how excited they are for this game. But they know. Everyone knows, even Purple Jesus, who said this game is going to be bananas. And he’s right. This game is going to be like watching that poison fog in the Simpsons Tree House of Horrors episode that turns everyone inside out. The very fabric of Wisconsin time and space will be torn asunder as Favre walks out onto Lambeau in purple and gold to square off against his former team, again, but this time IT’S PERSONAL! Just kidding, it was personal last time. But this time he may have Vicodin and piss balloons thrown at him, which could get pretty ugly. Luckily, the game was moved to the late afternoon so we can maybe hear Joe Buck (Please tell me we have him announcing the game!) talk about how much of a disgusting act that was from Packer fans. God I can’t wait. I hope to fucking god I get to see a wee Packer child with tears streaming down his plump little cheeks this Sunday. It would make my entire year.
Thanks again to a rube named Gandar over at Rube Chat for providing another Game Day Preview Graphic!
It is the dark, swirling hours before the most ghoulish day of the year … A Viking football game in Lambeau! Ha! See what I did there? Also, Halloween. But regardless, this is your official reminder to make sure you email, Tweet, smoke signal, telegraph or telepathically send us your Mail Dump questions for the Q&A section in the weekly Game Preview on Friday! I imagine that there are many questions that have been circling through your head this week, like who does Brett Favre think he’s fooling saying this Packers game is one of 16? Or why won’t women have sex with me when I get them totaly schmasted on Halloween? Or is dressing up as a pedophile and silently walking the streets on Halloween eve socially unacceptable? Or why was PJD listening to Prince this week on his Morning Walk? Whatever the question may be, send them our way and we’ll address what we can in the Mail Dump!
Email is purplejesusdiaries@gmail.com and our Twitter feed can be found here. I guess we’ll look at questions on Facebook too, if people are using that. We can be found there, here. Here? When will there, be here? SOON! … /Spaceballs reference. //Sees self out.
