Childress knows how to prepare his players after a bye week: Ha, just kidding. I gotta bitch about something, right? Despite the fact that the Vikings were flagged 13 times for 91 yards against the Detroit Lions this Sunday, they still beat them worse than Ralphie did that stripper whore in the Sopranos, 27-10. Hey, the win is nice – and was more expected than a Tahi dump off pass – but it’s this type of shit that makes you sit there and think, “Really Childress? You should be getting a contract extension?” It’s more confusing than a mangina. But despite the penalties, the turnovers, and the occasionally coaching ineptitude, the Vikings rolled the Lions up for another season sweep against one of the worst teams in the league and went to 4-0 in the division, 8-1 on the year, and 104 in awesome dicks earned. Favre threw for a season high 344 yards, Purple Jesus had 130ish yards and two touchdowns, and we even got to see how fucking terrible Tarvaris Jackson is again! I love those types of games. I was cheering to get the ball back so we could catch a glimpse of that fabled jump pass from him. I think we saw it, which was entertaining, but I was more impressed with TarVar’s fluttering pass to Rice that was easily defending. What a douche. And speaking of Rice …
Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Sidney Rice: Where the hell did this Jerry Rice-ness come from? Showtime Sid, as Purple Jesus apparently likes to call him, caught seven balls for 201 yards on his way to an obvious career day. He also became the fourth Viking ALL FUCKING TIME to have over 200 receiving yards in a game, and would have set the record if TarVar wouldn’t have rainbowed that duck into him at the end. But again, holy shit. Rice has been bringing back flashbacks of Randy to Minnesota and it is making purple hearts all over this fair state sigh like we’ve got a boyhood crush on Phoebe Cates all over again. I don’t know what it is but there is something about the long ball for the Vikings that leave fans with a viscous wet spot all over their pants, even more so than an outstanding Purple Jesus run. For his record day, new nickname, and assistance in single handedly pummeling Detroit, Showtime gets PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval this week. I think this is the second time this year he’s been the recipient. Maybe at the end of the year we’ll tally that all up, but I’d say Showtime has a chance of receiving the largest, poopiest, most throbbing stamp of them all at year’s end. I can’t wait to give it to him! Ew.
The Lions sidelines looked like a war zone: My god that was brutal. I couldn’t keep track of who was all injured – mainly because I didn’t care – but the Vikings beat the shit out of that team like they just caught them trying to break into their mom’s place. And there was a safety out for the Lions that had a tooth infection? Most obscure injury report listing? I say yes. I also say he’s a pussy. He must have been in the fetal position when he had his wisdom teeth removed. I had three done at once and was only out for THREE WHOLE DAYS! I’m such a pussy so awesome . The screen shot that the camera’s did was fantastic too, with one guy getting tended to on the cart, the guy on the bench in front of him with his shirt off and shoulder bandaged so big it looked like he had a ham under there, and others milling about in front looking like they were in shock and defeated like we’d just poisoned their water supply in the desert. I mean, I kind of feel bad for them all, but … they’re making millions of dollars, are more athletic and healthy than I’ll ever be, and don’t have to go to an office job. So … I guess I don’t feel bad for them actually. “I enjoyed that they lost” is a much more accurate statement.
This Ray Edwards fella likes to play: Sorry, let me correct that. Ray Edwards likes to play, finally. After his bonehead statement last year that he’d set the sack record and then played so bad that no one remembered his name, he decided to finally show up today and make some plays. The play everyone will be talking about is when he jumped over a Kevin Smith cut block when rushing Stafford and launched his self into Stafford’s face like an attacking hunger starved cheetah. That shit was EJ Henderson crazy. It was worse though that he was called for a personal foul. Ok, yes, he rocked the fucking lights out of Stafford, and ok, sure, maybe there was a little helmet to helmet contact, and fine, it was probably an illegal physical act in 19 countries world wide, but what do you want him to do? Smith was coming straight at his knees and unless Edwards jumped over him he would have ended up like Culpepper with spaghetti ligaments. Fuck that. Edwards did the right thing, and I hope that if Childress isn’t a major dick face that he pulled Edwards to the side and said “Holy gash, Ray, that was balls out fantastic. Do that every single time, regardless of the penalty.” Of course he won’t, because he’s more conservative than a slave owner. And just as dumb too. Fucking sick of this nerd coach.
FOX Sports defense nickname contest: Did you watch the game on TV? Did you bleed your ears out listening to the announcers? Did your face melt off Arc of the Covenant style when the announcer’s faces appeared on TV in HD? If you made it through all of that, you may have seen the contest they were running in conjunction with FOXsports.com – or some website, I wasn’t paying attention – to try and come up with a fan supplied nickname for the Vikings defense. Some of the contenders were The Maul of America, Three Men and a Mullet, Purple Reign, and Shock and AWWE. To no surprise, the announcers ejaculated all over themselves with Shock and AWWE. DO YOU GET IT?! IT STANDS FOR ALLEN WILLIAMS WILLIAMS AND EDWARDS! Now we have to listen to people refer to the Vikings front four as … Shock and Awwe? Kill me now. Anytime you force a nickname upon someone you’re bound for disastrous results. Sidney is now Showtime because Purple Jesus just said he was. Purple Jesus is now Purples Jesus because Drew Magary said he was. It’s pretty fucking simple. If you get a bunch of assholes together to try and come up with a nickname for the Vikings front four it’s going to sound forced and retarded. Like Shock and Awwe. I hope I never have to hear that again, but I also know that the other Jesus hates me, so I’m sure it’ll be all over the newspapers tomorrow instead.
Julian Peterson’s arms scare the shit out of me: Really. You ever see these things? I mean, he’s gotta be like, what, 43 now, and he’s still built like this? Peterson has been in the league for decades it seems and he’s always had guns the size of Serena Williams’ thighs, but more defines than Gina Carano’s abs. What is this guy’s deal? Roids? Bananas? Constant masturbating? Not even Terrell Owens, the man with self proclaimed two percent body fat, has arms like that. It’s freakish. I bet if he were to just swing his arms at an average sized person clothesline style that he would knock their head straight off their shoulders, easy. He could probably cut diamonds with those forearms. I bet he cracks walnuts just by flexing. His cock probably looks like that too, like some freakishly anaconda looking computer generated man beast. Of course, he’s still a Detroit Lion, so his arms aren’t helping anyone right now. Sucks brah.
Shanking around the NFC North: Being that the Vikings played the Lions, we got half the division moving and shaking right there. As stated, this win puts the Vikings at 4-0 in the division. If they win at least one game against the Bears they’ll have five division wins (I CAN DO MATH!), which will clinch the best division record since Green Bay is already at 2-2. Speaking of, they miraculously pulled a win out of their bleeding vaginas against the Cowboys yesterday as well, moving them to a winning record I think for the first time this year. You just know that despite the Vikings punching them in their FUPA twice already this season that the Packers are going to climb back into the playoff conversation and ESPN is going to ball wash their potential to make it in to the playoffs until they inevitably choke it all away. I could think of no better team to have look like a bunch of fire burnt assholes. Finally, as no one saw on the NFL Networks Thursday night game, Chicago looks like a CFL team playing a bit too far south. Captain Sulk Face nobly threw five interceptions and lost with great dignity amazing unprofessionalism. I can’t wait until the Vikings play them, and cock punch them, and officially wrap this division up with a big Fuck You to the rest of these NFC North teams. Honestly, can we just get this division shit over with already? Then we can start the shanking around for home field advantage! Speaking of, fuck you Saints for keeping on winning. And you too Colts, because Pey Pey looks like an alien. Assholes.
A winning haiku for a Vikings win:
They’d love a blow out,
But Favre knows TV ratings
Demand a tight one.
Hope you enjoyed a rather mundane Vikings game. What caught your eye? Leave your take in the comments. We’ll be back Friday with a game preview for those hipster fuck wads, the Seattle Seahawks. See you then!
5 Comments
November 16, 2009 at 4:00 PM
If I would have had an entry in the contest, it would have been “Mister Rodgers’ Nightmare”
November 16, 2009 at 9:41 PM
As per all of the network football analysts the less competitive game the more bullshit they come up with to prattle on about. If it wasn’t the fricking nickname debate, it would have been some other annoying subject, my god it’s the Lions for Christ sake. Just thank Purple Jesus’ dirty jockstrap that they weren’t fawning over #4 lack of shaving before games or what he had for breakfast Sunday morning.
If it wasn’t for the fact that it pisses me off that the play by play is seven seconds faster listening to Paul Allen via the Radio I’d tear the damn speaker out of my TV.
November 17, 2009 at 1:29 AM
Let’s hear it for the I’ll tempered boo fest. After Ray Edwards launched and got that questionable penalty it all started. I was there and we all slung around thunderous boos laced with arsenic. Everytime a ref opened his mouth a boo. The fan herd had so much boo ammo that I finally realized why. It was the same collective boo bukkake stockpiled for tarvaris And chillys pussy playcalls from last year. But now, now we use that sour boo juice in the eye for a different reason in the dome. That being, any single lame referee call that could thwart the 72 virgins of destiny ahead of us this year. And Im fine with that. From the sideline you could see Tavaris booing the refs too. From here on out this team knows there destiny should be solely in their own hands because they’re freaking ready to make a run now.
November 19, 2009 at 1:24 PM
You REALLY like to blog about cock, don’t you?
November 19, 2009 at 4:32 PM
I prefer to say that I’m an equal opportunity genitalist. I write about vagoo too!